Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Things just got real!

Hey guys!!

How have you been lately?! Sorry I haven’t been posting lately I have just been in a slump and this is why! Just warning you this is a venting post so sorry in advance.
I have been really depressed and I don’t know why! It might have to do with the fact that I lost our baby a month and a half ago or maybe that fact that i stopped taking my thyroid medicine but all I can say is its not the same. I feel so ugly and disgusting lately. It finally hit me that I am a huge fat cow! Seriously I gained fifty pounds in less than a year and yes I know I have a thyroid condition and that that does have something to do with it but it also has to do with the fact I wasn’t watching what I was eating. 

It’s crazy to think how much things have changed and I let myself go. In high school I was a size ten which is not tiny but I felt good in my skin. I would wear what I wanted when I wanted. My boyfriend, who is now my wonderful husband, couldn’t keep his hands off of me and needless to say I got hit on A LOT. The thing I miss the most is just not having to worry about how I looked and just feeling good no matter what!  Now there are times where I don’t even want to leave my house. I just feel so ugly and fat it’s horrible. Clothes don’t fit, I don’t even want my husband to see me naked, and the worst part is I always pretend like im ok with it but I am not!!! I HATE IT. I know I have tons of blessings in my life but when you feel like this those blessing just don’t matter. Living in a small town makes it even worse. You get snares from people who you haven’t seen you in a while and you know what they are thinking “holy crap she got fat”.  

After New Year’s I just got fed up and started weight watchers. Seriously I need to go back to the old me. The girl that always felt great in her skin and did not care what people thought of how she looked. The girl who would rock anything she wanted. The fun and bubbly Kiki! Since then I have lost nine pounds and yes I know that’s nothing since I still have to lose 35 more pounds. plus I can’t even really even see it but I am determined to lose it. it’s hard when there is no one to motivate me but I am going to try my hardest. And maybe this is why im currently writing this. I see girls who motivate other girls in the blogger world all the time! So if any of you are willing can you help motivate me and help me stay on track? I can’t really turn to my friends and family for this because barely any of them believe in me to lose weight. Most of them think I am going to give up and fail. But I don’t want to I WANT TO SUCCEED. I want to feel good and happy again. I feel horrible for my poor husband who always has to deal with me being a hot sad mess.  He always tells me I’m so beautiful and he loves me but when you feel like I do you can’t believe it.  

I know that the road ahead of me is going to be tough, I know I’m going to cry, feel frustrated and feel like I’m getting nowhere but I hope that in a year after all the sweat, pain, and tears I can look back and say I DID IT!

Sorry for the rant!!

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  1. never apologize for letting it out. trust me, it is so much better to let it out instead of keeping it bottled up.

    before i got married, i was just so much better about what i ate. i got married and all of a sudden i was eating everything my husband was.

    obviously, i shouldn't be eating as much as my husband but hey, everything is equal in marriage right? so that meant food as well.

    i gained 35 lbs within 2 years of marriage ... i'm still trying to get it down. i do well and then i fail ... i do well again and then i fail. so i know how you feel. i know how it feels to know that you can do better, look better, eat better, etc.

    i'm still working on it because i'm not anywhere close to where i use to be. but you will get there. it isn't easy but you can and will do it.

    if you need anyone to talk to, i'm here. but always remember that your husband is absolutely right. you are beautiful. don't let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise.

  2. It takes a lot to dive deep and personal on a blog - way to go girl! this is your little space on the internet, you should never have to apologize for what you post.

    AWESOME weight loss so far!! I know you can get to your goal, especially when you're dropping lbs like that ;)

  3. kiki! girl i am right here for ya girl always! your just in a rut right now you will be back on your feet in no time just figure out your goal plan and stick with it, i support you girl!!! love you sister!!!
    My Something New With You

  4. I'm on the same journey lady! I know its had when you have a long way to go. Keep at it, notice the changes in your energy and mental outlook when you can't notice the changes in your body yet. You're gonna do this and knowing you, you'll have a gorgy smile on the whole way through!

    Keep it up!

  5. Now that you've gotten your rant out of the way. You have a goal to accomplish. Your goal is to lose the additonal 36 pounds. Have you asked yourself daily what type of diet you are on? What should you eat and should not eat? Do you need to have a systematic program to carefully monitor your eating, or can you do without it? I have always been a larger girl and I feel you on the self-esteem on fitting into clothes. My first advice to you is, get rid of the junk... and get on a healthy lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle should be your first goal. The losing weight will be another journey and goal to accomplish. When you determine what is healthy to you, I know you will have NO problem losing the weight. Now, exercising is one part-- and eating is another. Good Luck on your journey! Never look back, just keep looking forward!!


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