How have you been lately?! Sorry I haven’t been posting lately I have just been in a slump and this is why! Just warning you this is a venting post so sorry in advance.
I have been really depressed and I don’t know why! It might have to do with the fact that I lost our baby a month and a half ago or maybe that fact that i stopped taking my thyroid medicine but all I can say is its not the same. I feel so ugly and disgusting lately. It finally hit me that I am a huge fat cow! Seriously I gained fifty pounds in less than a year and yes I know I have a thyroid condition and that that does have something to do with it but it also has to do with the fact I wasn’t watching what I was eating.
It’s crazy to think how much things have changed and I let myself go. In high school I was a size ten which is not tiny but I felt good in my skin. I would wear what I wanted when I wanted. My boyfriend, who is now my wonderful husband, couldn’t keep his hands off of me and needless to say I got hit on A LOT. The thing I miss the most is just not having to worry about how I looked and just feeling good no matter what! Now there are times where I don’t even want to leave my house. I just feel so ugly and fat it’s horrible. Clothes don’t fit, I don’t even want my husband to see me naked, and the worst part is I always pretend like im ok with it but I am not!!! I HATE IT. I know I have tons of blessings in my life but when you feel like this those blessing just don’t matter. Living in a small town makes it even worse. You get snares from people who you haven’t seen you in a while and you know what they are thinking “holy crap she got fat”.
After New Year’s I just got fed up and started weight watchers. Seriously I need to go back to the old me. The girl that always felt great in her skin and did not care what people thought of how she looked. The girl who would rock anything she wanted. The fun and bubbly Kiki! Since then I have lost nine pounds and yes I know that’s nothing since I still have to lose 35 more pounds. plus I can’t even really even see it but I am determined to lose it. it’s hard when there is no one to motivate me but I am going to try my hardest. And maybe this is why im currently writing this. I see girls who motivate other girls in the blogger world all the time! So if any of you are willing can you help motivate me and help me stay on track? I can’t really turn to my friends and family for this because barely any of them believe in me to lose weight. Most of them think I am going to give up and fail. But I don’t want to I WANT TO SUCCEED. I want to feel good and happy again. I feel horrible for my poor husband who always has to deal with me being a hot sad mess. He always tells me I’m so beautiful and he loves me but when you feel like I do you can’t believe it.
I know that the road ahead of me is going to be tough, I know I’m going to cry, feel frustrated and feel like I’m getting nowhere but I hope that in a year after all the sweat, pain, and tears I can look back and say I DID IT!
Sorry for the rant!!